SSRI's and messing with my body chemistry

anyone that knows me well knows that i am a HUGE fan of anti-depressants. i went through a period of time where i was unknowingly depressed. well. unknowingly to me. i was prescribed an SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) and have never looked back. there really is no need to suffer or "walk off" depression or anything that can be treated. its unnecessary, and when i realized what i was missing all those years, i kick myself for being so ignorant about them, and not helping myself out sooner. not only was i able to sleep through the night, but i was able to drive around tear free, i stopped being anxious about going home... but the best cure to a symptom i didn't even know i had is that i seem to have a longer "buffer zone" if you will, in regards to stressful situations. for example, in the past when things started to "snowball" and hit the fan, it would affect me pretty badly. i would get into a cyclical pattern of worrying and become obsessed with it, and eventually it would become too much and i would panic and melt down. in the 3+ years i have been taking the SSRI i can safely say there has only been one incident of panic, and i know there were many an instance where i should have melted down, but didn't. i've learned that the unknown affliction has a name, anxiety...

i've been reading lately about a withdrawl like syndrome that people go through if they quit taking their SSRI's cold turkey. mine is at the top of the list as far as side effects. i've also been reading all about anti-D's you can't be on when you are trying to get pregnant (i'm not trying, don't worry) and i've also been pretty preoccupied lately with fertility and the seemingly difficult process it is to get pregnant these days. so... with my head filling up with all that kind of stuff i started thinking about my love affair with paxil and wondered about the side effects, etc. this is what i am remembering about the last 4 years. 1. i've been very even emotion-wise. 2. i've been able to take a step back and see a situation before i am compelled to react. 3. i have gained 40lbs. 4. i have digestive problems.

i am thinking that as soon as my insurance kicks in (8 days, yeah!) i am going to pick a doctor and then see about weening myself off of the SSRI that i love so much. and if i find myself crying in my car on the way to work or let little things eat away at me again, then i will need to go back on just an anti-anxiety medication. also this week i didn't make it to the pharmacy in time to start my latest set of BC pills, so maybe i'll go off of those too. i'm going to shock the hell out of my body and see what happens. :) fasten your seatbelts, i think we're in for a bumpy ride.